In Jakarta a young man, devastated that his girlfriend was to marry another man, cut off his own penis in a fit of despair. Any hopes of reattaching the severed member were dashed after the 19-year-old, known only as AMD, threw the appendage into a well.
After much media attention the director of Cilacap General Hospital, Sugeng Budi Susanto, held a press conference. “Cutting off a penis can be fatal,” Sugeng said, nodding sagely.
Witnesses heard AMD standing at the edge of the well with his severed penis held high screaming, “If she can’t have it, then no one will!” as he then plunged the detached phallus wellwards. What was unknown until later was that the well was in fact a wishing well blessed by Indonesian water spirits.
The remarkable thing was that the Spirits took kindly to the young man’s trouser snake sacrifice and bewitched his girlfriend to return back to him. “Honey!” she called as she ran through the door, “I’ve come back to you, my one true love. Quick, take me now, right here on the carpet, and make a woman out of me!” The young man apparently rubbed the back of his head and let out a deep breath. “Yeah, it’s funny you should say that now, darling, ‘cos… well, you’ll laugh when I tell you,” AMD was reported to have replied.
In other news Ricky Martin, the Puerto Rican pop singer, with record sales of more than 60 million albums worldwide, has publicly announced on his official web site that he is gay. “I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am,” he wrote.
Yeah, well, THANK YOU BLOODY RICKY BLOODY MARTIN FOR MAKING IT JUST THAT LITTLE BIT MORE DIFFICULT FOR A SOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE MID-30 YEAR OLD GAY MAN TO FIND A NICE BOYFRIEND. THANKS TO BLOODY YOU I NOW HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE REST OF MY LIFE KNOWING THAT THE BEST I CAN GET IS RICKY MARTIN’S HAND-ME-DOWNS. I MEAN KNOWING THAT MY COMPETITION WAS ONLY THE LIKES OF MATT LUCAS AND DAVID HYDE PIERCE I FELT THAT I HAD SOME HOPE OF A CHANCE; AND TO SIMON CALLOW AND STEPHEN FRY I WOULD HUMBLY ADMIT DEFEAT – WHO WOULDN’T?; AND SURE IT WAS BAD ENOUGH WHEN I HEARD ABOUT JOHN BARROWMAN; AND I WAS NEVER THAT THREATENED BY EITHER GEORGE MICHAEL OR RUPERT EVERETT; BUT YOU RICKY?! WHY, RICKY, WHY!!! WHO’S GONNA WANT ME NOW THAT YOU’RE ON THE MARKET?
THANKS RICKY MARTIN, THANKS A LOT!
And now the weather. Justin?
Posted by clydethepenguin 
Clyde The Penguin 