A quick theological lesson. Genesis, Chapters 2 and 3:
1 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.
2 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
3 And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it as a day to put your feet up and to take easy, and to perhaps go have a beer in the afternoon to rest from all his work which he created and made.
4 And then God realised he was talking to himself and felt silly, and so the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
5 And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.
6 And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; and the tree of life also in the midst of the garden.
7 And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden and commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
8 But of the tree of the knowledge, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
9 And Adam said unto the LORD God, Why not, they look pretty yummy, what are they, apples?
10 And the LORD God said unto Adam, Look bud, I’m the boss around here and I just said thou shalt not eatest, so don’t, you got it? Or you’re out on your ear.
11 And Adam said unto the LORD God, All right, all right, keep your robe on. Gees, are you always like this?
12 And the LORD God said unto Adam, Wait till we get to the bit about Gomorrah, And Adam was then silent.
13 And the LORD God was pleased and said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.
14 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
15 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a help to meet for his extra special needs, if you get my drift, though he had been eyeing off the goat.
16 And the LORD God from Adam took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof.
17 And Adam said, Ow, that hurt.
18 And the LORD God said, Oh, don’t be such a baby.
19 And Adam put his hands on his hips and said, Well, I wouldst not think that was hardly surprising considering you only invented me, what, twenty minutes ago.
20 And the LORD God said, Look, I haven’t got time for this, Here, I’ve made you something, go argue with that. And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
22 And Woman said: Have you taken the bins out yet? And Adam realised he had been told off by his wife, and though were not ashamed, he was more than a little annoyed.
1 Now the serpent was more clever than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath ye eaten of every tree of the garden?
2 And the woman said unto the serpent, God hath said, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden but not of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden.
3 And the serpent said unto the woman, Well, that’s pretty silly, don’t you think, for that is an apple tree and apples are really good for you.
4 And the woman said unto the serpent, You don’t say? Please, tell me more.
5 And the serpent said, Well, for starters apples are an excellent source of fibre. They are also high in antioxidants, in fact, gram for gram, apples have higher antioxidant capacity than red grapes, strawberries and oranges.
6 And the woman said, Really? I did not knowst that, do go on.
7 And the serpent said, Recent studies have suggested that apples can help lower the risk of heart disease, control weight gain, and even fight cancer.
8 And the woman said unto the serpent, Sorry, did you say control weight gain?
9 And the serpent said, Oh yeah, apples are great for that. The skin is good roughage, and being high in fibre eating apples acts as an appetite suppressant as they help fill you up.
10 And the woman said unto the serpent, Oh, that is just so totally what I need, And the woman took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
11 And the eyes of them both were opened, and at once they knew how healthy apples were for you; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons and filled their pockets with more apples from the tree.
12 And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, What’s that you got there?
13 And he said, It’s an apple from that tree, you know, the one in the midst of the garden.
14 And the LORD God said, Hang on, didn’t I tell you not to eat of that tree? I’m sure I recall I specifically commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat of that tree.
15 And the man said, It was the woman whom thou gavest to be with me, And the woman said, Yeah, great one dobber.
16 And the LORD God rubbed his temples and said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, I had askst the serpent Dost this fig leaf make my bum lookst big? And the snake suggested I include apples as part of my daily diet.
17 And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Tony, why dost thou go and do that? You know I told them not to eat of that tree.
18 And the snake said unto the LORD God, Gees Man, what’s your problem? Apples are good for them. They’re healthy, easy to transport and easy to store. What’s the big deal?
19 And the LORD God said, Yeah but.
20 And the snake interrupted unto the LORD God, Yeah but nothing. And the best thing is that they are the ideal weight loss tool. An apple every couple of hours throughout the day and whammo no more cravings for chocolate and potato chips. They are Nature’s answer to the Milky Way bar.
21 And the LORD God looked testy and said unto the snake, Look, you just don’t get it, do you? How am I supposed to keep in charge around here if I don’t go and set a few ground rules? And the more pointless the rule the more they have to go along with it out of faith. You get it now?
22 And the serpent said unto the LORD God, Oh, I see your point now, sorry that I said anything, Carry on, just pretend I’m not here.
23 And the LORD God said, Thank you. Now if you will excuse me I have to go punish those other two. And the LORD God did rub his hands together with glee.
24 And the snake said, Gees God you can be a real prick sometimes, But he didst not say it very loud.
One last time: 84.2
Well, there you go then; at least I ended up less that what I started. And what lessons did I learn from this exercise? Two things:
- That documenting attempts at weight loss can be really tedious, no matter what Magda Szubanski says.
- Apples are good for you.
(That’s all he learnt?)
Anyway, it’s a typical Sleaze day outside – windy, overcast, and occasionally raining. Death, taxes and a wet Sleaze night. I’ve now got all the pieces for my costume including a cheap tennis racket, which I’m particularly happy with to give that perfect finishing touch. I’ve still to shave and shower and all that sort of thing, but it’s not even noon and BC and I won’t be going till at least 10. And don’t worry, there will be photos.
What to do till then? Wedding invite? University script? Nah. Think I’ll go watch How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and have a nap instead.