The Hidden Claus – A short Christmas skit for 4 or 5 ladies

Tuesday 1 December 2009

In the spirit of Christmas I present to you a little skit I wrote earlier this year for a friend of mine in Adelaide who has (and I quote) “the doubtful pleasure of being president of a ladies Probus club – a club for old ladies.” They traditionally put on a little show at the Christmas party and so she asked me to knock up a little something for them. Always up for a challenge I gladly accepted.

What I came up with was a panto-esque visually-driven skit as that, to me, is the traditional Christmas-style show. A few bad jokes, a couple of oversized props, and a Santa doll tied to a wooden spoon – how more Christmassy can you get?!

I should admit that I blatantly stole based the Mailwoman character on the Mailman character in an episode of The Young Ones, but as long as you don’t blab no one will ever know.

So, please enjoy and don’t forget to send me a couple of comps if ever throw this together.

Clyde

 

The Hidden Claus

A short Christmas skit for 4 or 5 ladies.

by Matthew Huxtable

 

Cast:

Mrs Sandra Claus:  Exhausted wife of Santa Claus

Mandy:  Mrs Claus’ sensible cousin

Mrs Ester Bunny:  Very ocker wife of the Easter Bunny

Postwoman:  A Shakespearean Delivery Service

Santa Claus:  A Puppet

 

Notes:

The silent role of Santa Claus is performed by a Santa Claus doll tied to a wooden spoon with Christmas ribbon. A hand or finger puppet of Santa Claus is another suggestion.

The roles of Postwoman and Santa Claus can be played by the one performer.

 

The Scene:

The living room of the Claus residence, on the night before Christmas.

At Up Right is a collection of Christmas wrapped boxes of various sizes. On top of the largest box is a medium box with the open flaps facing forward, much like two open doors. This is Santa’s study and has an opening on the bottom for the Santa Claus puppet to poke through. The largest box acts as a screen for the puppeteer to hide behind, such as a table on its side. The other boxes are for decoration with the effect being a pile of presents ready for delivery.

Upstage is also the front door. If the Postwoman and Santa are played by the one person the actor appears from around the largest box; otherwise the front door is Up Left. By the front door is a hat rack on which hangs Santa’s iconic hat.

At Centre is a table with two chairs; on the table a bowl of lollies. Down Left is an opened ironing board and another chair.

To Stages Right and Left are doors to other rooms – a spare room Left and the reindeer sheds and kitchen Right.

All other decoration is to your tastes and extravagances.

 

The Play:

[The stage is empty, but out of the open medium box streams an endless list of children’s names. Throughout the play this list is constantly fed onto the stage, much like an old fashion ticker tape machine. Also coming from the box is the tinny sound of classic Christmas carols playing a tad too loudly.

A worn out Mrs Claus enters Stage Left carrying her full basket of ironing and plonks it down on the chair. She begins her ironing but soon puts down the iron in frustration. She leans towards the open box.]

MRS C:  Randle, do you mind?

[The carols are turned down, but can still softly be heard. NOTE: Slowly fade the carols down through Mandy and Mrs Claus’s dialogue.]

Thank you. [continues ironing] Silent night? Fat chance! Holy? The only thing “holey” around here are his socks.

[She takes a sock from the basket and sticks her hand through it. Her fingers poke out a hole in the toe.]

[Mandy enters Stage Right. She carries a tray of tea things, the important items being three cups, a sugar bowl and a pot of tea. She places it on the table and pours two cups.]

MANDY:  Tea’s up. [nods to the box] He still playing those songs? I would have thought he’d get sick of them.

MRS C:  Sick of them? He loves them, especially the ones about himself. “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”, “Jolly Old St Nicholas”, “Here Comes Santa Claus”; he puts them on repeat. Last year he played “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” non-stop for two solid weeks. I swear he only did it to annoy me.

MANDY:  And did it?

MRS C:  Yes. But I got my revenge. On Christmas Eve I fed the reindeer baked beans for dinner. Whoh! You imagine being stuck behind eight flatulent reindeer!

MANDY:  [takes across her tea] You are mean to him. He brings so much joy to so many children. Look, he’s in there now checking his list.

MRS C:  That list, that painful list! I hear it in my sleep. “Susan… nice. Tony… nice. Matthew… naughty. Graham… nice.” It drives me bonkers!

MANDY:  He works very hard.

MRS C:  Only one day of the year. The elves make all the toys. He’s hired a Yeti to tend to the reindeer. What does he do the rest of the year? Sit around and eat sweets. Look, I’ve had to let his pants out again.

[She holds up from the basket an incredibly wide pair of red pants.]

And reinforce the waistline.

MANDY:  Oh, stop picking on him. Do you think he’ll like a cup of tea?

MRS C:  I’ll ask. [calls] Randle!

[Up from the box pops Santa – a doll on a stick.]

Mandy’s made a pot, fancy a cuppa?

[Santa moves a “no”.]

Right then.

[Santa jumps up and down.]

What was that?

[Santa jumps up and down again.]

I think you’ve had enough lollies.

[Santa jumps more frantically.]

Oh all right, don’t get stroppy. Mandy, would you?

[Mandy takes lollies up to Santa.]

Just one!

MANDY:  Here, take two.

[She passes them across. Santa goes back into his box and continues checking his list.]

MRS C:  Mandy!

MANDY:  Oh, he needs his strength.

MRS C:  He needs a diet, that’s what he needs! I blame all those kids putting out all those snacks. Bottles of beer and plates of Tim Tams. What he really needs is a tall glass of tomato juice and a few sticks of celery! You may call it “jolly” but it’s adult onset diabetes if you ask me.

MANDY:  I’ll make up a salad for lunch, will that make you happy?

[Mrs Claus grumbles a non-reply]

[There’s a knock at the front door. Mrs Bunny enters carrying a large basket. She takes off her bonnet and hangs it on the hat rack. Besides her big ears and enormous fluffy tail she looks just like the other two.]

BUNNY:  Cooee! Only Mrs B!

MRS C:  Ester, how are you?

BUNNY:  Not as busy as you, I should think this time of year! Just hopped over for a cup of sugar. [She holds up a cup from her basket]

MRS C:  Help yourself.

BUNNY:  You’re a Christmas Angel.

MRS C:  Ester, I’d like you to meet my cousin Mandy who’s visiting for a few days. Mandy, say “hello” to Mrs Bunny.

MANDY:  Hello Mrs Bunny, pleased to meet you.

BUNNY:  Call me Ester.

[She starts spooning sugar into her cup.]

MANDY:  I never would have thought you’d be living at the North Pole.

BUNNY:  Where did you think we’d live – Croydon? [or some other suitable location] I’m just down the road at number 42. Been at the North Pole for years now. We did live for some time on the Australian Sunshine Coast, but it didn’t work out.

MANDY:  Why’s that? Not a beach person?

BUNNY:  No, the chocolate eggs kept melting. [still spooning in sugar] Rupert and I, we like it up here. The winter’s may be six month’s long but at least it keeps the produce hard … unlike the husband!

[She cackles at her filthy joke. Mandy mouths to Mrs Claus: “I don’t get it.” Mrs Claus mouths back: “Don’t worry.”]

Listen to me, rabbiting on!

MANDY:  Tea?

BUNNY:  Thanks, don’t mind if I do.

[She holds out her sugar filled cup and Mandy absentmindedly fills it. Mandy picks up the sugar bowl but turns it upside-down – it’s empty.]

MANDY:  I’m afraid we’re out of sugar.

BUNNY:  That’s quite all right, I never touch the stuff. [sips her tea] Ahh, lovely! [to Mrs Claus] How’s business?

MRS C:  Flat out, but ‘tis the season.

BUNNY:  He in?

MRS C:  He’s checking his list.

BUNNY:  I’ve something for him. [calls out] Cooee Randle!

[Up pops Santa.]

Rupert wanted me to give you this.

[She takes out an Easter egg and gives it to Santa. Santa disappears back into his box.]

MRS C:  Not more chocolate!

BUNNY:  It’ll keep up his energy.

[Santa pops back up. He is FURIOUS! He jiggles madly for a few seconds while the others watch stunned. He disappears again. The egg is thrown out of his box. Mrs Bunny collects the discarded egg.]

BUNNY:  Well I never!

MANDY:  With language like that I know which list he’s on this Christmas. Whatever could have caused that?

BUNNY:  I can tell you. It’s not chocolate – it’s carob!

MRS C:  Your Rupert! Up to his old tricks.

BUNNY:  I should apologise.

MRS C:  Oh, don’t worry. Let him have his sulk.

[Pause]

MANDY:  I must say, it is a pretty impressive trick.

BUNNY:  It’s just carob.

MANDY:  No, not that; how he manages to be in all those shopping centres at the same time. I mean, I was out shopping with my Stephanie last week and we saw him four times. “Hang on,” I thought, “you were just in Myers, what you doing here in Westfield Mall?” [aside to Mrs Bunny] We didn’t go up and say hello or anything, what with him being family and all. Oh, that’s reminds me. [calls out] Randle!

[Up pops Santa.]

How’s my Stephanie doing on your list?

[Santa disappears. There’s a great rush of paper pushed out Santa’s room, as if he was searching his list for a certain name. He finds it and pops back up again. He jiggles his reply.]

[content with his answer] Oh good. But fair’s fair, she has been good this year. What she asked for?

[Santa flips open a note pad and consults his notes for a while. The note pad disappears and Santa jiggles again.]

A pony! [aside] What is it with little girls and horses? [to Santa] Do us a favour will you Randle, how about a Barbie Dream Pony instead?

[Santa says no.]

Well can you at least make it a cat?

[Santa considers this, then jumps up and down a “yes”.]

Thanks Randle. [to the others] We can cope with a cat. [to Santa] Here, have a candy cane.

[She takes him up the sweet. Santa disappears into his box and continues checking his list.]

MRS C:  Don’t feed him!

MANDY:  Sandra, he’s done me a favour! He’s just saved me from a lifetime’s supply of garden manure. And you’ve seen where we live… we’d never get the horse in the lift. And we’re would we keep it? On the balcony – twelve floors up?

BUNNY:  You’ve seen what pigeons can do a car parked under a tree, imagine what damage a horse would make to your paintwork.

MANDY:  [ponders] Do horses get vertigo?

MRS C:  Oh, stop defending him. He does one day’s work a year and expects to be treated like a royalty for the other three hundred and sixty four. I’m the one who keeps this place going. Look. [holds up a blanket with “BLITZEN” quilted on it] I’m even doing the reindeer’s bedclothes.

BUNNY:  [to Mandy] The Yeti not working out then?

MANDY:  Simply abominable!

MRS C:  Things are going to have to change I tell you, it’s about time I got some respect!

[Mailwoman enters dragging a HUGE sack.]

MAIL:  Delivery!

[Mailwoman makes a big deal of dragging the sack and finally plonks it Down Centre. The character can best be described as a Shakespearean Town Crier. Remember, it’s a small part so ham it up as much as you can.]

Behold! I bring thee scriptures from fledglings professing their innocence and virtue. Young sprouts begging armoury; tiny lassies yearning for geldings.

MANDY:  [to Mrs C] What?

MRS C:  Boys wants guns, girls want ponies.

MAIL:  Aye, too true, too true. What avid dreams thy offspring claim so flitters away at St Nicholas’s visit on force and horse.

MANDY:  Bon bon?

MAIL:  I’d be crackers to refuse.

[Mailwoman fills her pockets with sweets.]

MRS C:  [looking in the bag] Not more children’s letters! Look at them – hundreds and hundreds. A whole bag of letters all addressed to Santa Claus! That all you brought?

MAIL:  Nay, sweet maiden, I also bring tidings for you. [wields out a single envelope] The gas bill. [hands it to a miffed Mrs Claus] And now I must leave. Again I venture white-wards, into thy blizzardry landscape, to face weather both fierce and foul.

BUNNY:  “Foul”? What, she talking about chickens now?

MAIL:  Adieu, goodbye, farewell I humbly plead. Parting is such sweet sorrow, and thanks again for the boiled delights.

[And after a flourish of her hand she spins around and is out the door. If you’re lucky the audience will give her a round of applause as she leaves. If so, Mailwoman turns as if to say “Is that for me?” then bounds to the front of the stage for an over the top display of bows and general hamming. Someone could bring her a bunch of flowers – perhaps Mrs Claus has one in her basket? Drag this out for as long as you wish – the others just sit there and look bored, miming to each other such things like “Who does she think she is?”. ]

[Finally Mailwoman leaves the stage. The others pause for a moment to regain their posture before Mrs Claus lets loose.]

MRS C:  That’s it! I’m not ironing another holly printed napkin until I’m shown some worth!

BUNNY:  Fat chance there. We do all the work and they get all the glory!

MRS C:  Glory for palming out cheaply wrapped boxes! I wish that were my only job around here.

MANDY:  [a pause, then:] Then why not do it?

MRS C:  Pardon?

MANDY:  Why not you be Santa Claus this year?

BUNNY:  You don’t mean…

MANDY:  Can you drive the sleigh?

MRS C:  [thinking it through] I fly it down to Woolworths every Saturday for the groceries.

BUNNY:  What about the delivery route?

MRS C:  Oh it’s all been computerised. He’s got it all in one of those Nav/Com things. Besides the reindeer could do it with their eyes closed. It would show him, though, wouldn’t it?

BUNNY:  He’d be Randle the Red Faced Santa!

MRS C:  And we the Three Wise Women.

MANDY:  Then what’s stopping you?

MRS C:  Nothing. Nothing’s stopping me. Oh but I couldn’t; it wouldn’t be fair. I mean, I’m close to the edge, but I haven’t been pushed over yet.

[The carol “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” starts playing from Santa’s box. Mrs Claus bristles.]

MRS C:  I’m over!

[Santa starts reeling in his list of names.]

BUNNY:  Quick then! He’s finished checking his list!

MANDY:  He’s nearly ready to leave! What do we do?

MRS C:  Mandy, Ester, hold the doors. I’ll be straight back!

[Mrs Claus runs off Stage Left. Mandy and Bunny jump up and grab hold of Santa’s box flaps and hold them close. Santa starts fighting against the doors, every now and then breaking through, yet Mandy and Bunny are able to mostly keep the doors closed.]

MANDY:  Hurry Sandra, he’s getting through.

BUNNY:  For a little man he’s stronger than he looks!

MANDY:  Come on Randle, remember your blood pressure!

[Mrs Claus returns with a roll of decorative sticky tape.]

MRS C:  Just the thing – Sticky tape!

[She breaks off strips of the tape and starts sticking the two doors shut so Santa can no longer get through, though he continues to bounce around inside the box. As a final flourish Mrs Claus takes from her apron pocket a decorative bow and sticks it onto the box.]

MRS C:  There! That aught to hold him!

MANDY:  Not for long.

MRS C:  But enough for me to get those reindeers airborne. Ester, go check with the yeti to make sure everything’s ready.

BUNNY:  Sure thing. [to the world in general] Ah, I know who’s delivering the eggs next year. Rubert’s going to be one Hot Cross Bunny!

[Bunny leaves Stage Right]

[Mrs Claus puts on the Santa hat.]

MRS C:  How do I look?

MANDY:  Like a right jolly old elf!

MRS C:  Right then, I’m off. Wish me luck.

MANDY:  Good luck!

[They give each other a good luck kiss. Mrs Claus rushes Stage Right.]

MANDY:  And Happy Chrismas!

MRS C:  Yes! Happy Christmas to all, and to him [nodding towards Santa’s box, and as if to say “good riddance”] a good night!

[She exits.]

CURTAIN.

 

Props:

On Stage:

  • Pile of Christmas paper wrapped various sized cardboard boxes. For the largest box is either place a table on its side or a refrigerator box cut open for access from the back. Above the largest box is a medium box with access at the bottom for a rod puppet to stick up. The medium box has it’s flaps open towards the audience. Attached to each box is a name tag.
  • Hat rack with Santa hat.
  • Table with two chairs, on table a bowl of lollies.
  • Open ironing board with iron, and chair.

Off Stage:

  • Tea tray (Mandy) containing: tea pot; three cups; and a bowl of sugar.
  • Laundry basket (Mrs Claus) containing: a humongous sized Santa Claus pants; a blanket with “Blitzen” quilted onto it; a bunch of flowers (optional); and assorted clothing.
  • Basket (Mrs Bunny) containing: a cup; and an Easter egg.
  • Mail bag (Mailwoman) containing: hundreds of envelopes addressed to Santa.
  • Decorative sticky tape (Mrs Claus).

Personal:

  • List of names (Santa) being: a long paper roll from a cash register decorated with a list of names. Next to each name is a green tick or a red cross. It’s not important if the names can be read or not.
  • Note pad (Santa) being: the flip top variety.
  • Decorative ribbon bow (Mrs Claus); in apron pocket.
  • Envelope (Mailwoman) being: the gas bill for Mrs Claus; in pocket.

Sound:

  • Christmas carols, including “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”.

 

Notes and Suggestions:

My preferred method for creating Santa Claus is by a Santa Claus doll tied to a wooden spoon with Christmas ribbon. It is obvious that it’s just a little doll stuck on a spoon and if the performer’s hand is at times seen when Santa “speaks” it adds to the silliness. Otherwise, a hand or finger puppet of Santa Claus is another suggestion, though there will need to be more a sense of reality to the performance.

For curtain call, if Santa and Postwoman are played by the same woman then the actor can hold the puppet when she takes her bow. Otherwise, the medium box should be reopened before curtain call and after the actors have taken their bows, much like with an orchestra, they gesture towards the box and Santa pops up and takes his solo bow. Of course, there is no reason why the performer playing Santa can’t come and join the others for a final bow.

Santa’s dialogue could be punctuated with a sweaky noise, such as from a child or dog’s rubber toy. The effect is to have Santa cute and slightly ridiculous, such as with the classic puppets Sooty and Sweep, and not ugly and threatening, such as with the Punch character.

Slowly fade out the Christmas carols before Santa makes his first appearance.

The Santa pants in Mrs Claus’s basket should be outrageously big. These can be made by sewing two “V” cut pieces of red fabric together, then trimming the “legs” with white fabric, such as polar fleece. Around the “waist” should be a black belt with a large gold buckle.

The Blitzen blanket can be made by an old child’s quilt with “BLITZEN” appliquéd on.

Mrs Bunny may want to shake off some snow on her entrance to suggest the weather conditions outside.

So Mrs Claus doesn’t get stuck behind the ironing board the entire performance, she could wander back and forth to the table gesticulating wildly with the iron. As such, don’t use a turned off iron.

Along with the Santa hat, his coat can also be hanging on the hat rack. It all depends on how much time Mrs Claus needs to get dressed.

As this was written with small stage spaces in mind, there is little need for further sets and props than what is listed. If there is space, and budget, a Christmas tree for the presents to be arranged around would look festive. A fireplace lined with stockings Down Right is a nice additive – this would also give Mandy and Mrs Bunny the chance to go over and warm themselves so they are not always sitting around the table.  If there is a window Upstage the effect of falling snow would help set the scene. But don’t forget that the real attraction of the show is the Ladies.

Place a Christmas tablecloth over the table. And never forget the decorative abilities of tinsel.

And finally, please remember: this is a first draft. Any suggestions are warmly welcomed.

Happy Christmas!

August 2009.

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The Adventures of Wombat, Swans Supporter – A Radio Play

Sunday 21 December 2008

To celebrate the Christmas period I present a radio script for you to print out and perform. One of my stronger childhood memories is of wrangling my sisters and nieces (there were no nephews) into performing little shows for the adults at family gatherings. The shows were always Music Hall fare that I must have memorised from school – the one that sits strongly is of a journalist doing a scoop on a group of people committing suicide, it’s still a great routine. I should note that I was something like 10 when I was doing this. 

So here’s a jolly piece that involves the whole family: some get to be actors, some get to be sound effect makers, and the rest get to be the audience who plays a just as important role. Make up large signs for the audience to call out their lines.

This was written for a competition to have your radio play performed live from the Sydney Opera House. Needless to say I didn’t win, but I still think this is most possibly the funniest thing I have ever written. It is highly influenced by the work of Marty Feldmen and Barry Took, who wrote Round the Horne, and it makes me laugh out loud every time I read it.

So on that, Merry Christmas and please enjoy!

Clyde

 

The Adventures of Wombat, Swans Supporter


Characters, in order of appearance

NAR: Narrator

SYD 1: Grumpy Sydney Commuter 

SYD 2: Another Grumpy Sydney Commuter

GUIDE: Taronga Zoo Tour Guide

WOM: Brian the Wombat. The Hero

CRAIG: Brian’s Zoo Keeper

FERRY: Sydney Harbour Ferry Ticket Collector (sounds just like Guide)

INSPECT: City Rail Ticket Inspector

TAXI: Indian Taxi Driver

PARTY: Party Girl at a Nightclub

Also…

SFX: A collection of buzzes, whistles, boinks and dings, with the occasional bit of music thrown in for good measure.

AUD: Everything from a lion to an entire football stadium, and even sometimes a studio audience.

 

Casting

Excluding the Audience and SFX Operator, this play could be staged with a minimum of 3 men and 1 woman.

M1: NAR, TAXI

M2: SYD 1, CRAIG, INSPECT

M3: WOM

W: SYD2, GUIDE, FERRY, PARTY

 

The Play

NAR: It was a typical Sydney day. The sun was shining…

SFX: TRIANGLE DING

NAR: The birds were singing…

SFX: BIRD WHISTLE

NAR: And the people of Sydney were their usual happy selves…

SYD 1: Get out the way!

SYD 2: Watch where ya going!

NAR: It was also a beautiful day at Taronga Zoo, where the daily tour was taking place. Please note that due to budget restraints the animal population has been replaced with a studio audience with too much time on a Sunday afternoon.

GUIDE: Hello, welcome to Taronga Zoo, I’m your tour guide. As we move along, on our left the exotic birds…

AUD: SQUARK!

GUIDE: On our right, the lion’s den…

AUD: ROAR!

GUIDE: and up ahead the wombat enclosure… (PAUSE) He’s asleep at the moment.

NAR: But, dear listeners, our hero wasn’t asleep but out the back with his keeper Craig.

WOM: OK Craig, what’ll it be?

CRAIG: Don’t rush me Brian, don’t rush me!

WOM: Come on Craig, it’s only a friendly.

CRAIG: All right, I think it was Professor Green in the Library with the Candlestick.

WOM: (PAUSE) Craig, this is ten stud poker.

CRAIG: I knew I shouldn’t let you watch late night television.

WOM: New game. Your deal Craig.

SFX: CARDS FLYING EVERYWHERE DUE TO A VERY BAD ATTEMPT TO SHOOT CARDS FROM ONE HAND TO ANOTHER.

WOM: You never could hold your cards, could you Craig.

CRAIG: Sorry Brian.

WOM: So Craig, any plans tonight?

CRAIG: Yeah, I’m off to see the Sydney Swans play –

SFX: BIZARRE HONK

CRAIG: – at Olympic Park Stadium.

WOM: The Swans! I love the Swans! I was president of their fan club, marsupial division, back in uni. Can I come?

CRAIG: Now Brian, you know you can’t leave the zoo. Besides I’ve only got this one ticket.

WOM: Ah, but Craig, I’m their number one fan!

CRAIG: (TEASING) I’ll tell you what, If you can get your hands on a ticket, you can go to the game. Deal?

WOM: Deal! Craig, hand me that ticket.

CRAIG: Hah! You don’t get me that easy!

WOM: Sorry Craig, you’re much too smart for that, but could you pass me that shovel?

CRAIG: Here ya go.

WOM: Thanks Craig. Now, turn around.

CRAIG: (WITH BACK TO MICROPHONE) Like this?

WOM: Perfect.

SFX: BOINK!

SFX: THUD!

WOM: Sometimes it’s that easy.

SFX: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME TYPE MUSIC

WOM: And so, dear listeners, I began my escape. Pausing briefly to roll the unconscious Craig in a brown blanket to look like a sleeping me, I grabbed his keys, unlocked the door…

SFX: RATTLE OF KEYS, UNLOCKING AND CREAKY DOOR OPENING

WOM: …and started on my way, wearing Craig’s keeper’s cap as a disguise.

GUIDE: Hi Keeper Craig, You’re working back late.

WOM: Hi Taronga Zoo Tour Guide, you have a good day now. (Aside) The disguise was a success! So on I went: to my left the lion’s den…

AUD: ROAR!

WOM: On my right, the exotic birds…

AUD: SQUARK!

WOM: And up ahead the gates, the Harbour and the Swannies! With one heave of the rope and hook, which I always kept about my person for moments like these…

SFX: ROPE GOING UP

SFX: CLANK! OF THE HOOK TAKING HOLD

WOM: I pulled myself up over the wall and to Freedom! I could almost taste the meat pies!

NAR: But, dear listeners, fate had chosen otherwise…

SFX: BACKGROUND – SLOSHING WATER

FERRY: (APPROACHING) Ferry Tickets please.

SFX: HOLE PUNCHER

FERRY: Thank you. Ferry Tickets please.

SFX: HOLE PUNCHER

FERRY: Thank you. (TO WOM) Hey mister, ferry tickets please.

WOM: Sorry?

FERRY: Ferry tickets please. You got to have a ticket to ride this ferry.

WOM: Hey, you sound just like the Taronga Zoo Tour Guide.

FERRY: She’s my cousin.

WOM: Small world.

FERRY: Hey, aren’t you a wombat?

WOM: How can you tell?

FERRY: I’ve been on the tour. Ferry tickets please!

WOM: Look, I haven’t got any money.

FERRY: Why not, cos you’re a wombat?

WOM: Na, cos I left me wallet in me other pants.

FERRY: Sorry, you got to have a ticket to ride this ferry.

WOM: Ah, come on. I’ve got a ticket to see the Sydney Swans play –

SFX: BIZARRE HONK

WOM: – at Olympic Park Stadium.

FERRY: What? The Swans are playing –

SFX: BIZARRE HONK

FERRY: – ? I hate the –

SFX: BIZARRE HONK

FERRY: – s. ‘Carn the Swannies. On you get Mr Wombat, you’re travelling first class with me.

WOM: Call me Brian.

SFX: FERRY TAKING OFF

SFX: FADE BACKGROUND SLOSHING WATER

NAR: And so, dear listeners, our hero Brian finds himself at Circular Quay trying to catch a train to Olympic Park.

AUD: HANG ON!

NAR: All right studio audience, the writers are well aware that you can’t catch a train to Olympic Park from Circular Quay, but please go with it for now so we can keep the story moving. OK?

AUD: OK!

SFX: TRAIN WHISTLE

WOM: Is this the train to Olympic Park?

INSPECT: Just a minute. What are you, a wombat?

WOM: A northern hairy nosed wombat to be precise, but my friend’s call me Brian.

INSPECT: Well listen Brian –

WOM: That’s MR Wombat to you mate!

INSPECT: Look, you can’t get on this train.

WOM: Ahh, lemme on, please!

INSPECT: What’s that sign say over there?

WOM: “At night rave near the guard’s compartment naked with a blue light”?

INSPECT: I mean the one under it.

WOM: Looks like a picture of a wombat with a red line through it.

INSPECT: That’s right – No Wombats Allowed. And that means you, MR Wombat! (NASTY LAUGH)

SFX: DOOR CLOSING, TRAIN LEAVES

WOM: Oh woe is me! Oh Studio Audience, what am I to do?

AUD: (HAIL TAXI WHISTLE)

SFX: SCREECH OF BRAKES

TAXI: You call for a taxi Mister?

WOM: No, the Studio Audience did.

TAXI: Sorry, I’m only licensed to carry four passengers.

WOM: Look, I’m a wombat with no money that needs to get Olympic Park to watch the Sydney Swans play –

SFX: BIZARRE HONK

WOM: Can you help me?

TAXI: Hop on board. As luck would have it today is Feel Sorry for Wombats Day. It’s a great Indian holiday.

WOM: I didn’t know India had wombats.

TAXI: It doesn’t. We ate them all, that’s why we feel sorry for them.

SFX: TAXI TAKES OFF

NAR: So our hero reached the Swannies’ game where…

SFX: SOFT THUD OF BALL BEING KICKED

SFX: WHISTLE OF BALL FLYING THROUGH AIR

SFX: UMPIRE WHISTLE

AUD: (GOES WILD!)

NAR: …the Swans’ win!

AUD: (GOES WILDER!!)

SFX: FINAL SIREN

SFX: SWANS’ THEME SONG – CHEER CHEER THE RED AND THE WHITE – FADE OUT

NAR: And finally, dear listeners, Brian the Wombat, through many further adventures, made it back to Circular Quay, only to find he had missed the last ferry home…

AUD: (SAD AHH)

NAR: (ELATED) So he went to a night club instead!

SFX: NIGHT CLUB SOUNDS – HEAVY BEAT MUSIC, GLASSES CLINKING

WOM: Hey little lady, wanna come back to my burrow and see my scratchings?

PARTY: (GIGGLES) Wow! Either a wombat is trying to pick me up or that wasn’t a Panadol I took earlier. Hey Mr Wombat, You’re on!

WOM: Call me Brian.

SFX: CLOSING MUSIC

NAR: That was The Adventures of Wombat, Swans Supporter, starring etc…