Less Sleaze – Week 2

Saturday 19 September 2009

I’ve worked it out, I’ve worked it out, I finally know why I haven’t lost – frankly – any weight over these last nine weeks. I’ve been walking home three to four times a week and mostly being careful with how much I eat and drink (mostly), but have so far only been able to drop a whole ONE BLOODY KILO! But now I know why and it makes so much sense I’m amazed I didn’t realise it earlier. The reason why I’m not loosing the pounds is because I’m dating a feeder!

It happened like this: Last Sunday Beautiful Creature (who shall for now on be only known as “BC”) and I were sitting in the Westfield Parramatta food court, enjoying our Muffin Break coffees – you can’t say that the two of us don’t know how to party! We’re sipping flat whites and nibbling on egg and bacon pie (me) and double extra rich chocolate brownie (he). My E&B pie was lovely and savoury, just the thing for a quick and easy breakfast, and BC’s brownie was lavishly rich with gooey chocolate icing perfectly decorated with a single walnut. BC’s offer for a taste was greatly accepted but it was the yummy pie that was doing it for my taste buds that morning. It wasn’t long before I had cleaned my plate complete of pie and flaky crumbs. BC was only halfway through his choccy treat.

He put down his fork. “Sweetie, why don’t you finish this?”

‘Thanks hon,” I said. “I’m pretty good.”

“No,” BC replied, pushing his plate towards me, “You should finish this.”

I shook my head and smiled. “That’s ok, I’m pretty full, but thank you.” I took another gulp of my coffee, which actually wasn’t that bad considering it was made by a scrunchie-wearing 12 year old.

BC put down his cup with a slight thud. He turned his shoulders slightly towards me. “No, Clyde,” he said, “I want you to finish this.” He picked up his fork and placed it in my hand. And so, more out of politeness than desire, I took a little slice of the brownie and ate it, making lots of “mmmm” noises. I put the fork back down.

“Ooo, I’m full now. That was delicious!” I said sitting back in my chair and patting my tummy.

‘But you haven’t finished it,” said BC, and he pushed the plate over further.

Well, by now I feared for my own safety. I tried to make eye contact with the Muffin Break assistant who was cleaning away cups at a nearby table, but she was too concerned with soaking up a small pool of spilt coffee to notice. Another customer smiled politely back before moving herself, her shopping trolley, her baby pusher, and her five other children to a further away table. I realised I was alone.

BC stared, grinning at me. I could see flints of madness in the corners of his eyes. I smiled back but I knew that I had lost the war. I picked up the tainted fork and heaped the remainder of the over-sweet sweet – walnut and all – into my mouth. I chewed slowly, the chocolatey icing oozing down my throat, then swallowed. Traces of the cake coated my mouth and my tongue licked madly searching to eliminate any stubborn crumbs. I washed the remaining traces of the brownie down with the rest of my coffee.

BC smiled. He lightly squeezed my thigh before moving his hand higher and patting me on the tummy. He leant closer towards me. “I like it when you eat,” he said, and gave my belly a little rub.

Then he walked me down to the train station and I went home.

–+–

Scales. Let’s see: 85.2.

Week
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Sleaze
87.3 86.3 85.2 85.8 86.0 85.0 86.0 86.5 85.2
-1.0 -1.1 +0.6 +0.2 -1.0 +1.0 +0.5 -1.3
-1.0 -2.1 -1.5 -1.3 -2.3 -1.3 -0.8 -2.1

(You may get the impression that I’m pretty much over this and just going through the motions. To that all I can say is: shame on you for being so astute!)


Less Sleaze – Week 9

Saturday 1 August 2009

One week down and besides resisting the chocolate Freddos at work, what have I done?

Well, looked at some websites, for a start, to see if I can get a grip of this weight loss challenge. It seems that half the entire world are in some way trying to loose weight, most of them in the United States. It did dawn on me at one point that if half the population of the USA, which according to the US Census is 307,052,399, swapped places with the most starving in Africa, which has at a rough guess a total population of 680,000,000, then all the world’s weight problems would be solved! I’ll mention it to Obama next time he calls (he and I are like THAT!).

If you distil all the information on all the pages (today on Google the words “weight loss tips” brought up 34,600,000 results) two things shine out above all the droll. While my search provided tips that were fast, successful, healthy, or easy, they all boil down to two things: Eat Less and Move More.

Yikes! Two of my most hated ideas!

A common thought amongst sites, especially the sensible ones that don’t involve pills or crazy diets, is to first write a food diary, listing everything you eat in one week. So I did that. I also listed what additional moving I did throughout the week. Considering that I have been eating healthier than normal, and watching portion control and all that sort of thing, I thought the results were interesting:

Saturday

Breakfast:

  • None

Lunch:

  • 600ml percolated coffee

Dinner:

  • 2 pieces garlic bread
  • large serve of garden/greek hybrid salad
  • bottle red (shiraz)
  • 1 gourmet pizza (mixed slices)
  • 1 schooner Tooheys New White Stag (low-carb)

Exercise:

  • I’m too polite to tell you.

Sunday

Breakfast:

  • None

Lunch:

  • 200ml percolated coffee
  • 600ml lite milk
  • 3 dim sims:

Dinner:

  • Spag bol

Exercise:

  • Got out of bed, didn’t I?

Monday

Breakfast:

  • 200ml percolated coffee

Lunch:

  • piece of home made honeycomb (num!)
  • Large skim flat white T/A
  • Spag bol
  • herbal tea

Dinner:

  • Roasted vegetables in balsamic vinegar and canola oil, being: brussels sprouts, chat potatoes, (head? stick?) cob of corn, red onions, and cherry tomatoes
  • 400ml lite milk

Exercise:

  • Took the stairs the 9 floors when I went and got the coffees. Walked home from the station past my normal stop (15 minutesish)

Tuesday

Breakfast:

  • 200ml percolated coffee
  • bread roll with peanut butter

Lunch:

  • Large skim flat white T/A
  • Spag bol
  • herbal tea
  • 1 banana

Dinner:

  • 200g brussels sprouts roasted in balsamic vinegar… oh and 3 schooners of Blonde low carb beer
  • 200ml lite milk

Exercise:

  • Walked to and from the pub, didn’t I?

Wednesday

Breakfast:

  • 200ml percolated coffee
  • bread roll with peanut butter

Lunch:

  • Large skim flat white T/A
  • Spag bol
  • herbal tea
  • 2 bananas

Dinner:

  • 3 dim sims

Exercise:

  • Walked down the 9 floors twice. Walked home from work – that should count big time.

Thursday

Breakfast:

  • 200ml percolated coffee
  • Bowl cereal (a mix of sultana bran, all bran and honey wheat puffs with lite milk)

Lunch:

  • Large skim flat white T/A
  • Spag bol (last one thank Gods)
  • herbal tea
  • 2 bananas

Dinner:

  • Chicken Kiev with 600ml mashed sweet potato and a large splash of pasta sauce mixed with extra hot chilli sauce
  • 200ml lite milk

Exercise:

  • Did the stairs twice at work. Fought the urge to go to the pub so all that resistance must count for something.

Friday

Breakfast:

  • 200ml percolated coffee
  • Bowl cereal

Lunch:

  • 2 bananas
  • Large skim flat white T/A
  • herbal tea
  • Subway footlong Pizza sub

Dinner:

  • Crumbed fish with the sweet potato mash and sauce idea from yesterday (when you’re on a good thing…)
  • A mug (that’s right – a mug) of nasty cask red

Exercise:

  • Stairs

Throughout all this I was also drinking lots of water – straight from the tap at work (well, not STRAIGHT from the tap as that would unhygenic) and mixed with tropical punch cordial at home. I’m sure the cordial is screaming with sugars and kilojoules but I don’t care!

What I thought was interesting is that I’m not really eating a huge amount. The spag bol was probably the heaviest meal, everything else are chocked up with vegetables. I have made a huge effort to lay off the booze too, especially considering I’m going out tonight for a big one, but I worked out that even a low cal schooner is about 535 kilojoules. Considering the recommended kj intact for someone attempting weight loss is somewhere around the 7600kj mark, 14 schooners of low cal beer is your total collection for the day, or 11 full-cal beers (about 680kj each)! That’s pretty alarming, but it’s probably more alarming that I could seriously consider knocking over 14 beers in a night.

So, the Saturday Weigh In. I’ve had breakfast (200ml percolated coffee and a bananananana) and a shower, so let’s try out those scales: 86.3

Wow! That’s a whole kilogram less than last week. I’m on schedule and I’ve pretty much done nuffin!

Week
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Sleaze
87.3 86.3
-1.0
-1.0

This week I’ve signed up to a month long series of yoga classes. For the next month, every Wednesday and Friday morning, I’ll be Helloing the Sun or Stretching the Dog or whatever it is these macrobiotic people do. In all honesty I only chose the class for two very simple reasons: 1) It’s less than a block from my home; and 2) It gives you the opportunity to openly fart in public.

More on farting in my next usual blog entry.

Clyde

PS: You may have noticed I’m consuming a hella lot of coffee and bananas. There are very simple explanations for both. The coffee is because I bought myself an electric coffee percolator, which is one of the best little kitchen toys you can have, and the bananas is because partly it’s one of the only fruits I enjoy eating, but mostly of this little YouTube clip that has totally changed my life:

You’ll never eat a banana the same way again!


Less Sleaze – Week 10

Saturday 25 July 2009

I had an epiphany while I was in Perth. I really wanted the caramel slice but they’d sold out. I always thought that an epiphany was a sudden revelation or insight; who knew that it’s actually a strawberry and lemon tart? Hang on, I’m going to look this up… I was right! An epiphany is a sudden revelation or insight. Those crazy Western Australianers! Still, now that I think about it, I was having lunch at the Koorong Cafe.

Let me start this again.

I had an epiphany (Actually, I don’t like that word anymore) a realisation when I was in Perth. Standing on Mark and John’s bathroom scales trying to work out how much the weight of my luggage had grown, I was alarmed to discover that my weight had also grown: I had now hit the disturbing 90kg! I shouldn’t have been as surprised. My belt had slowly crept out two notches over the last month; I had eaten most magnificently well on my holiday (the memory of the osso bucco still brings my taste buds to a gastronomic standstill); and, most telling, I have drunk both plenty and often. But it wasn’t till I saw that number that I started to feel concerned.

It doesn’t help that I’m pretty much the same shape as my Dah. Not that that’s a problem (that’s genes for you) but a couple of years ago he underwent coronary artery triple (I mean a single bypass is bad enough but triple?) bypass surgery, just before his 30th wedding anniversary. From what I remember his arteries has calcified so badly that he was starting to suffer minor frequent heart attacks due to the lack of blood flow. I’m very glad to say that he was a perfect textbook case and recovery and, besides now having to watch his diet and take tablets and that sort of thing, he’s in the peak of health.

While Dah doesn’t drink (in his youth, yes, but not from his 30’s on), he and I both very much like our tucker, and lots of it. But while my total weekly exercise is walking to and from the photocopier at work and the pub on weekends, Dah has always been somewhat active… admittedly lawn bowls might not be as enduring as the Tour de France but at least it gets you out in the sun.

The point is that standing on that shiny set of scales on my last day in Perth made me realise that if I’m not careful I am very much on my way to my own bypass surgical experience, and that is something I would very much rather not have.

So what am I going to do about it?

The answer is, I don’t really know, and knowing my previous attempts at developing a healthy lifestyle (I hate that word), probably not much at all. I always seem to dive straight in with gym and pool visits or nightly jogging and after a week exhaust myself back to a indolent attitude. The problems is exercise bores me, I like me booze, and food just tastes too nice not to pile your plate up high.

But what I hope to do is make some small changes, become just that little bit more aware of what I’m eating and drinking and how much I’m moving, and hopefully these tiny actions will over the next couple of months become second nature to me.

On Sunday Beautiful Creature told me he had purchase us Sleaze Ball tickets. Sleaze is the annual fancy dress fund raiser run by Mardi Gras, and is held the NSW Labour Day long weekend – this year Saturday 3 October. That means in 10 weeks time.

So over the next 10 weeks I intend to get myself back to a sensible weight. I’m planning on a healthy 1 kilo a week loss to return to a weight of 80kg; let’s try for that for now. One kilo a week over 10 weeks, I should be able to do that. If I had a “goal weight” it would be 75kg as that’s what I was for pretty much my entire adult life before I got a desk job, but let’s aim for 80kg for now.

On Thursday I purchased myself a set of electronic scales and set them up prominently in the bathroom, just by the loo (or brasco), and gave them a quick try out. The problem was that every time I weighed myself I was a slightly different weight being anything from 87.8 to 89.6kg, but on the bright side at least I was back under the dreaded 90.

The plan is this: To eat and drink sensbily and do a little bit of exercise, even if just walking home from work, then every Saturday for the next 10 weeks, till Sleaze, weigh myself and see how I’ve gone. So let me go get on the scales…

First go: 87.6kg. Fifteen minutes later, after having a wee, I weigh myself again: 87.3kg. I must have very heavy urine! During the following half hour I weigh myself three more times, each returning a score of 87.3. So that can be my Week 10 figure:

Week
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Sleaze
87.3










Fantastic! I’ve already lost nearly 3 kilos and I haven’t even started!

I’ll see you in a week.