A very bad Sonnet entitled ‘Up Yours Lurgy’, with apologies to the iambic pentameter, the concept of a volta, inversion, William Shakespeare, and frankly anyone else who has ever written a sonnet

Saturday 12 March 2011

Wrapt tight I still shiver, my colour blue,
Then the heat overwhelms, and I’m flushed red.
The sheets are all damp; my clothes are soaked through;
You might say it looks like I just pissed the bed.

A sudden rumbling acts as the alarm,
I dash for the door knowing what’s to come.
Tears fill my eyes, more from strain than from harm;
Goodbye to once what was inside my tum.

The stomach settles and I risk a bowl
Of hot soup, recipe thanks to mother,
But it will not stay in; it chooses a hole –
If it’s not the top one, it’s the other.

Long I’d forgotten how much all this hurts.
Damn you three: the Sweats, the Spews, and the Squirts.

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Seventeen Seconds

Sunday 6 December 2009

I’ve had a pretty shit time this last week. I’m pretty much o-v-e-r work and am sick to the back teeth with all the stupid questions I am constantly asked by my colleagues (“How do I underline something in Word?” Press the little button of a U with an underline under it.; “Why won’t my printer work? I’ve sent it seventeen times and it’s still not there” Because you have sent it to the wrong printer. Congratulations, someone else now has seventeen copies of this incredibly contentious document.; “My letter won’t fit into this envelope, what should I do?” Fold the letter in half then try again.). As previously mentioned I’ve been playing the part of A/EA throughout November and continued to do so last week and – if all rumours are true – I’ll be doing it all the way through till Christmas, so I haven’t had a day off for ages (The one day I did have off to finish my script I was called in to the office to help with an important mail out.). So, basically, I’ve had it with work; for the rest of this year anyway.

Also, and this is the clincher, I did something very bold and Richard Curtis-y and emailed a fellow I have a thing for to tell him (“because it’s Christmas”) that I have a thing for him. Anyway, I haven’t heard anyway and have fretted / stressed about it so much that yesterday I woke with a cold sore. So, what lesson did Clyde learn Readers? It’s far better to sit in the corner, get drunk and do nothing because if you try to do something productive Cupid goes at you with a machete instead of an arrow. A lesson I think all of us have learnt at sometime in our lives… Cheers!

So throughout the week I’ve had a little YouTube window open on my computer so when I am getting too down in the dumps I can be injected with a quick pick-me-up. If you haven’t seen this, then you aren’t one of the 8 million who have already delighted in its pleasures. Please enjoy the loveliest 17 seconds on the internet:

I understand that Spielberg’s interested the film rights.

There’s a great article about it here at Boing Boing where a journalist tracked down the owner of the cat. It’s in French but there’s a translation; it’s worth the read.

Apparently the female kitten’s name is Attila Fluff – ain’t that something?


Less Sleaze – Week 0

Saturday 3 October 2009

A quick theological lesson. Genesis, Chapters 2 and 3:

Chapter 2

1 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

2 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

3 And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it as a day to put your feet up and to take easy, and to perhaps go have a beer in the afternoon to rest from all his work which he created and made.

4 And then God realised he was talking to himself and felt silly, and so the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

5 And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.

6 And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; and the tree of life also in the midst of the garden.

7 And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden and commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:

8 But of the tree of the knowledge, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

9 And Adam said unto the LORD God, Why not, they look pretty yummy, what are they, apples?

10 And the LORD God said unto Adam, Look bud, I’m the boss around here and I just said thou shalt not eatest, so don’t, you got it? Or you’re out on your ear.

11 And Adam said unto the LORD God, All right, all right, keep your robe on. Gees, are you always like this?

12 And the LORD God said unto Adam, Wait till we get to the bit about Gomorrah, And Adam was then silent.

13 And the LORD God was pleased and said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.

14 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

15 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a help to meet for his extra special needs, if you get my drift, though he had been eyeing off the goat.

16 And the LORD God from Adam took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof.

17 And Adam said, Ow, that hurt.

18 And the LORD God said, Oh, don’t be such a baby.

19 And Adam put his hands on his hips and said, Well, I wouldst not think that was hardly surprising considering you only invented me, what, twenty minutes ago.

20 And the LORD God said, Look, I haven’t got time for this, Here, I’ve made you something, go argue with that. And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

22 And Woman said: Have you taken the bins out yet? And Adam realised he had been told off by his wife, and though were not ashamed, he was more than a little annoyed.

Chapter 3

1 Now the serpent was more clever than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath ye eaten of every tree of the garden?

2 And the woman said unto the serpent, God hath said, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden but not of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden.

3 And the serpent said unto the woman, Well, that’s pretty silly, don’t you think, for that is an apple tree and apples are really good for you.

4 And the woman said unto the serpent, You don’t say? Please, tell me more.

5 And the serpent said, Well, for starters apples are an excellent source of fibre. They are also high in antioxidants, in fact, gram for gram, apples have higher antioxidant capacity than red grapes, strawberries and oranges.

6 And the woman said, Really? I did not knowst that, do go on.

7 And the serpent said, Recent studies have suggested that apples can help lower the risk of heart disease, control weight gain, and even fight cancer.

8 And the woman said unto the serpent, Sorry, did you say control weight gain?

9 And the serpent said, Oh yeah, apples are great for that. The skin is good roughage, and being high in fibre eating apples acts as an appetite suppressant as they help fill you up.

10 And the woman said unto the serpent, Oh, that is just so totally what I need, And the woman took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

11 And the eyes of them both were opened, and at once they knew how healthy apples were for you; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons and filled their pockets with more apples from the tree.

12 And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, What’s that you got there?

13 And he said, It’s an apple from that tree, you know, the one in the midst of the garden.

14 And the LORD God said, Hang on, didn’t I tell you not to eat of that tree? I’m sure I recall I specifically commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat of that tree.

15 And the man said, It was the woman whom thou gavest to be with me, And the woman said, Yeah, great one dobber.

16 And the LORD God rubbed his temples and said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, I had askst the serpent Dost this fig leaf make my bum lookst big? And the snake suggested I include apples as part of my daily diet.

17 And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Tony, why dost thou go and do that? You know I told them not to eat of that tree.

18 And the snake said unto the LORD God, Gees Man, what’s your problem? Apples are good for them. They’re healthy, easy to transport and easy to store. What’s the big deal?

19 And the LORD God said, Yeah but.

20 And the snake interrupted unto the LORD God, Yeah but nothing. And the best thing is that they are the ideal weight loss tool. An apple every couple of hours throughout the day and whammo no more cravings for chocolate and potato chips. They are Nature’s answer to the Milky Way bar.

21 And the LORD God looked testy and said unto the snake, Look, you just don’t get it, do you? How am I supposed to keep in charge around here if I don’t go and set a few ground rules? And the more pointless the rule the more they have to go along with it out of faith. You get it now?

22 And the serpent said unto the LORD God, Oh, I see your point now, sorry that I said anything, Carry on, just pretend I’m not here.

23 And the LORD God said, Thank you. Now if you will excuse me I have to go punish those other two. And the LORD God did rub his hands together with glee.

24 And the snake said, Gees God you can be a real prick sometimes, But he didst not say it very loud.

–+–

One last time: 84.2

Week
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Sleaze
87.3 86.3 85.2 85.8 86.0 85.0 86.0 86.5 85.2 87.3 86.7
-1.0 -1.1 +0.6 +0.2 -1.0 +1.0 +0.5 -1.3 +2.1 -0.6
-1.0 -2.1 -1.5 -1.3 -2.3 -1.3 -0.8 -2.1 -0.6

Well, there you go then; at least I ended up less that what I started. And what lessons did I learn from this exercise? Two things:

  1. That documenting attempts at weight loss can be really tedious, no matter what Magda Szubanski says.
  2. Apples are good for you.

(That’s all he learnt?)

Anyway, it’s a typical Sleaze day outside – windy, overcast, and occasionally raining. Death, taxes and a wet Sleaze night. I’ve now got all the pieces for my costume including a cheap tennis racket, which I’m particularly happy with to give that perfect finishing touch. I’ve still to shave and shower and all that sort of thing, but it’s not even noon and BC and I won’t be going till at least 10. And don’t worry, there will be photos.

What to do till then? Wedding invite? University script? Nah. Think I’ll go watch How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and have a nap instead.


Less Sleaze – Week 1

Saturday 26 September 2009

I’m afraid to admit I nearly forgot about this entry, but they probably goes to show how disheartening this has all been. Not so much an experiment, but a horrible realisation.

This week I gave up more than usual and have enjoyed a very alcoholic Thursday (school nights are always the best night to go out), and so I was in desperate need of a Subway footlong toasted Pizza Sub and a bottle of Coke Zero the next day. Last night I comfort fooded (a new verb there: to comfort food – the act of eating yummy carbohydrate or sugar rich foods to encourage mental well-being) on chillied spag bol. I did have a pizza earlier in the week, and while I type this I’m sucking down my first beer for the night. So I’m sure the scales will not be kind, but after nine weeks of this tedium I no longer care.

I’ve spent the day with Mark picking up the last pieces for my Sleaze costume. More next week – as well as the last entry in this series, thank Gods – but as a little hint, considering the party’s theme is “Game On”, think John Newcombe. Actually, that sort of right gives it away, doesn’t it?

–+–

Get it over and done with, shall we?: 87.3

Week
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Sleaze
87.3 86.3 85.2 85.8 86.0 85.0 86.0 86.5 85.2 87.3
-1.0 -1.1 +0.6 +0.2 -1.0 +1.0 +0.5 -1.3 +2.1
-1.0 -2.1 -1.5 -1.3 -2.3 -1.3 -0.8 -2.1

That’s brilliant, I’m back where I started. This whole two months have been a complete waste of time.

Well, fuck it then. I’ll have another beer.


Less Sleaze – Week 2

Saturday 19 September 2009

I’ve worked it out, I’ve worked it out, I finally know why I haven’t lost – frankly – any weight over these last nine weeks. I’ve been walking home three to four times a week and mostly being careful with how much I eat and drink (mostly), but have so far only been able to drop a whole ONE BLOODY KILO! But now I know why and it makes so much sense I’m amazed I didn’t realise it earlier. The reason why I’m not loosing the pounds is because I’m dating a feeder!

It happened like this: Last Sunday Beautiful Creature (who shall for now on be only known as “BC”) and I were sitting in the Westfield Parramatta food court, enjoying our Muffin Break coffees – you can’t say that the two of us don’t know how to party! We’re sipping flat whites and nibbling on egg and bacon pie (me) and double extra rich chocolate brownie (he). My E&B pie was lovely and savoury, just the thing for a quick and easy breakfast, and BC’s brownie was lavishly rich with gooey chocolate icing perfectly decorated with a single walnut. BC’s offer for a taste was greatly accepted but it was the yummy pie that was doing it for my taste buds that morning. It wasn’t long before I had cleaned my plate complete of pie and flaky crumbs. BC was only halfway through his choccy treat.

He put down his fork. “Sweetie, why don’t you finish this?”

‘Thanks hon,” I said. “I’m pretty good.”

“No,” BC replied, pushing his plate towards me, “You should finish this.”

I shook my head and smiled. “That’s ok, I’m pretty full, but thank you.” I took another gulp of my coffee, which actually wasn’t that bad considering it was made by a scrunchie-wearing 12 year old.

BC put down his cup with a slight thud. He turned his shoulders slightly towards me. “No, Clyde,” he said, “I want you to finish this.” He picked up his fork and placed it in my hand. And so, more out of politeness than desire, I took a little slice of the brownie and ate it, making lots of “mmmm” noises. I put the fork back down.

“Ooo, I’m full now. That was delicious!” I said sitting back in my chair and patting my tummy.

‘But you haven’t finished it,” said BC, and he pushed the plate over further.

Well, by now I feared for my own safety. I tried to make eye contact with the Muffin Break assistant who was cleaning away cups at a nearby table, but she was too concerned with soaking up a small pool of spilt coffee to notice. Another customer smiled politely back before moving herself, her shopping trolley, her baby pusher, and her five other children to a further away table. I realised I was alone.

BC stared, grinning at me. I could see flints of madness in the corners of his eyes. I smiled back but I knew that I had lost the war. I picked up the tainted fork and heaped the remainder of the over-sweet sweet – walnut and all – into my mouth. I chewed slowly, the chocolatey icing oozing down my throat, then swallowed. Traces of the cake coated my mouth and my tongue licked madly searching to eliminate any stubborn crumbs. I washed the remaining traces of the brownie down with the rest of my coffee.

BC smiled. He lightly squeezed my thigh before moving his hand higher and patting me on the tummy. He leant closer towards me. “I like it when you eat,” he said, and gave my belly a little rub.

Then he walked me down to the train station and I went home.

–+–

Scales. Let’s see: 85.2.

Week
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Sleaze
87.3 86.3 85.2 85.8 86.0 85.0 86.0 86.5 85.2
-1.0 -1.1 +0.6 +0.2 -1.0 +1.0 +0.5 -1.3
-1.0 -2.1 -1.5 -1.3 -2.3 -1.3 -0.8 -2.1

(You may get the impression that I’m pretty much over this and just going through the motions. To that all I can say is: shame on you for being so astute!)


Less Sleaze – Week 3

Saturday 12 September 2009

It’s nice to know that old habits die hard.

Trawling through some old bits of writing I’d done I came across this, dated November 2005:

Soup

In one of my many half-hearted attempts to loose a bit of tummy I started a detox style diet where you basically eat nothing but carrot and celery soup. Every day you fill yourself to you burst on your homemade carrot and celery soup, treating yourself to the occasional apple or floret of broccoli, and even, when you’ve been very good on Day 5, to a nice piece of steamed fish. For seven days you follow this diet and at the end of the week the weight will have simply fallen away!

Eight hours into this adventure I discovered the unnerving fact that I hate carrot and celery soup. To award myself for sticking to the diet for a whole half day, I’m having a dinner of dips, cheese and dolmades on sesame water cracker biscuits. Somehow I think, once again, I’ve missed the point…

Ah, you see Clyde – old habits; old, old habits!

On that note, I weighed myself this morning before going out (I went to a baby’s naming ceremony – lots of nummy food) and have just jumped on the scales again. Both measurements were the same: 86.5.

Week
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Sleaze
87.3 86.3 85.2 85.8 86.0 85.0 86.0 86.5
-1.0 -1.1 +0.6 +0.2 -1.0 +1.0 +0.5
-1.0 -2.1 -1.5 -1.3 -2.3 -1.3 -0.8

You know, this on-going series gets more and more tedious ever week.

Stay tuned for the next exciting adventure!!!…


Hurty head

Wednesday 9 September 2009

With such a very full weekend planned I took Monday off as a flexday and used the opportunity to meet up with my university supervisor in the afternoon. A very wise move, taking the day off, I thought, as after half an hour in my supervisor’s company, being told everything I had written so far would probably need to go, I was dizzy and sweating and in desperate need of a nice dark place to go lie down. The fact that I had been drinking pretty much constantly since Friday night had nothing to do with it.

Back in Kings Cross I went into the first chemist I passed – there are a healthy number for one tiny street. At the back counter there was a small group of customers milling around, as if waiting for the bus. None of them were in any great rush to be served so I assumed they were all there for their subscription orders. I waited patiently. After a short while one of the assistants noticed me and asked if I needed any help.

“A packet of Aspro Clear Extra Strength please,” I said to the woman behind the counter.

She started to move towards the wall before stopping. She squinted her eyes and looked at me piercingly. I smiled and tried to act as if I walk into chemists and buy effervescent pain relief all the time.

“Do you suffer from asthma?” she asked. I shook my head. “Any heart palpitations?” she continued.

“No, nothing like that,” I said. “I’m just hung over.”

Her face cracked into a smile. “Oh well, that’s all right then,” she said and passed over the packet.

I thanked her, took my change, then made my way home to a cool room void of light.