This isn’t my work; I would be insulted if you thought that it was. I found it in my foyer on a folded piece of lined paper torn from a spiral note book and thought it too good to hide away. Besides it gives me a chance to rant:
I FUCKEN HATE vampire stories. I can not think of another genre of storytelling that involves a more tedious, more pretentious, more boring character – “Oh fucken woe is fucken me, I’m a fucken vampire destined to wander this fucken earth for all of fucken time; how fucken boo-hoo sad!” – FUCKEN PISS OFF, OR GO AND GET A FUCKEN TAN AND DIE!!! Now, Zombies; that’s another story.
It’s not easy being white;
I’m bored at being frightening through night.
I want to sit in a pub drinking ale;
I’m sick of being pale.
I can only wear black;
Tell me – where’s the fun in that?
And look? Does help me get fucks –
Being a Vampire really sucks!
You wont’ believe this is true
But I wish I were you.
Having fangs ain’t a ball;
You know I’d give up it all.
But I was born this way: to murder; to slay.
That reminds me – I haven’t eaten today.
Relax! – I’m on a diet, it’s OK!
Come back to my place;
I’ll take my fangs out, you can sit on my face.
We’ll play suck the rat
And then skin the cat!
Please put yourself n my boots;
My look – doesn’t help get me roots;
And there’s the problem’s crux –
Being a Vampire really sux!