This year I resolve to:
- Eat more fruits and vegetables, especially fruits (giggedy).
- Learn to spell halitoses halytoesis hallatosies oh fuck it.
(You see Ross, this joke works really well on paper, but terribly when spoken.)
- Finally admit that a qxbiwz is not a small shrew-like creature native to the Andes, even on a triple-word square.
- Eat more legumes: coffee beans, cacao beans, vanilla beans, you name it.
- Practice my sneering at least twice a we- no, every day. Practice makes perfect!
- Stop putting kittens in plastic bags – IT’S WRONG! Plastic bags are bad for the environment. Stick them in buckets of cement instead.
- Do some exercise, but don’t overdo it as that’s where you always go wrong and give up. Start with small steps. Try holding your beer glass in your left hand instead.
- L!im!t exclamat!ion marks to e!ght per m!ss!ve!!
- For Gods’ sake, for the love of even the most basic concept of hygiene, do the fucking dishes. No matter what the environmentalists say you are not supposed to have goats in your kitchen!
- And finally, believe that even at this late stage there is someone out there for you, be them barman or pizza delivery boy. True love may only be a schooner or pie crust away.
There they are, my Top Ten. Now, what are yours?